Been a long while since I have last blogged. Feeling quite drained and down. Maybe mom is right, church is a scam. Come to think of it. I have given more than $10k to church since I have joined. The reason why I am feeling hurt, is due to the Suntec project. Is it really arise n build? Isnt it just a big rental project? When we get bigger, we change to another venue to rent? Whats with all the 300M. how much do u need to renovate? HOw many lots of Suntec REIT are they buying. I participated in the arise n build, for a literal sense, to build a new church. Not to go about renting another place. And we do not even OWN the 5th n 6th level, it is still renting for goodness sake.
But well, another reason is that I am so sick of W408, if that is my cg in the first place. No one gives a hoot whether am I there or not. even if i join them for fellowship. 4 years has passed, everytime I bring friends there, do they bother to reach out? NO. I dare say out of these 4 years, I have brought the most people, but no one bothers to reach out to them. Should I hunt for a new cg, or should I follow Jon, Asaph, Adrian and stop going to cg altogether.
Even my social life is affected. Is it because I am too consumed with my work? I help so many ppl each week through my tuitions. I bless people, but I myself do not feel fulfilled after all that. I can say I do not have much friends. Maybe its because I am so sick of ppl standing me off, or even being late for appointments, that I give up socialisng altogether.
I must say I have a liking towards Bengli, but I am still so principled. I cant stand people that are late. Do I really have enough love to accomodate all her lateness? Am I still a baby Christian.
I really miss the times when I am in army, going out with Desmond, or even Cindy in sec sch, Yuqing in JC. I really dont have much friends man. Even my students stopped asking me to go out with them.
Practicum is coming, have I been so drained in NIE, that I do not look forward to teaching anymore. or is it I do not look forward to teaching English. It is really hard to grapple with all this emotional fluctuations. The satisfaction of students saying thank you, is only instantaneous, now have to go through the motions of teaching. Somehow, I feel that I teach because I have to, not because I want to. Because teaching is my gift. But teachers are not paid alot to be honest. If I were a money grubber, I would not become a teacher. Travis is doing so well, studying in poly and earning 1k plus a month, just through sales. He is so filial, want to earn money so that he can give his parents a good life. I was quite shocked when he shared his family predicament with me. Why is it I can click with much younger people, must be at least 5 years younger than I am. Seems that all those ppl that I can impact fall within that category.
Now I feel that the fictitious person I wrote about in Ed psych 1 seemed to be a direct reflection of who I am. I really do not want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. God, please give me new direction in life. Find a new cg, get attached, impact more youths, and lastly, Inspiring English teacher and President Award Teacher in the next 10 years.
Come on. All things are possible. Dont give up now.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Birthday
Haiz, 3 more days to my birthday, suppose to be looking forward to it, but I have so many things on my mind. ICt assignment, podcast, SMMT...
Was quite disappointed that cg didn even bother to celebrate my birthday for me. It sounds sad that I have to be thick skinned n ask ppl whether are they going to celebrate for me. Well thats the consequence of living in a reclusive life.
Today I fired Alvis, even b4 teaching him. First lesson and already changed twice, this kind of ppl really no hope. I just dont want to be so condemning, but I cant help myself. Dunno whats wrong with me... I given made Harry pay a penalty for changing lessons last min. Am I really very demanding?
When I look at the kids nowadays, they seem to have no semblance of honouring their word... Chuan shen also told me he likes to tease his teachers.. What if i am his sch teacher..lol. Somehow I miss teaching, but I dunno why I cant pluck out my courage to even present properly for QCE 520.. Still stammering.. but why I can scold ppl wo stammering... Is it a confidence issue?
Am I really very emotional? After 25 years, I dun even have any friends that celebrate birthday with me? N i even have to cheekily ask my students to celebrate... Am I really a good teacher? or Am I a pseudo?
Sometimes I think I am like stuck in my youth. Have so many 'friends' on facebook, for what? no one ever remembers me? when people need you, they remember you. When they dont need you. they cant be bothered of your existence.
Friendship is like a plant that needs constant attention and time. But can I afford to spend time pruning it. I have so many things to juggle. My life has become monotonous, sch, tuition, exercise, TV, sleep. NO time for recreation at all. I always push myself by saying suffer now, enjoy later, enjoy now suffer later.. But whats the use of enjoying alone. Sigh.
Maybe I should really change cg. Chuan shen n Eugene treats me so well. at least I feel that I am recognised for my presence. In my cg, I made my fridays free, for what.. then they change to sat.. Isn it the same as my tuition kids? Cant stick to a schedule. I really dun like it.
Think I should be sleeping early, tmr still have so many things to do. Watching a movie with the current sec 5s.. have to finalise my podcast, and read miss ng's notes..
Whats the point of being a withdrawn Good student in miss ng's eyes.. God, I really need to break out of my shell. I must dare to speak.
I just got this feeling I am the most caring teacher, but the school doesnt recognise that, n forfeited the prize money coz i am in NIE now.. well, thats just my conjecture. But am I nice only for recognition?
I feel quite sad that Eugene cheaw is still angry with me. Well maybe its a lesson for me not to be so kpoh in ppl's lives. There is a fine line between caring and kpoh.
Going to sleep soon.
Was quite disappointed that cg didn even bother to celebrate my birthday for me. It sounds sad that I have to be thick skinned n ask ppl whether are they going to celebrate for me. Well thats the consequence of living in a reclusive life.
Today I fired Alvis, even b4 teaching him. First lesson and already changed twice, this kind of ppl really no hope. I just dont want to be so condemning, but I cant help myself. Dunno whats wrong with me... I given made Harry pay a penalty for changing lessons last min. Am I really very demanding?
When I look at the kids nowadays, they seem to have no semblance of honouring their word... Chuan shen also told me he likes to tease his teachers.. What if i am his sch teacher..lol. Somehow I miss teaching, but I dunno why I cant pluck out my courage to even present properly for QCE 520.. Still stammering.. but why I can scold ppl wo stammering... Is it a confidence issue?
Am I really very emotional? After 25 years, I dun even have any friends that celebrate birthday with me? N i even have to cheekily ask my students to celebrate... Am I really a good teacher? or Am I a pseudo?
Sometimes I think I am like stuck in my youth. Have so many 'friends' on facebook, for what? no one ever remembers me? when people need you, they remember you. When they dont need you. they cant be bothered of your existence.
Friendship is like a plant that needs constant attention and time. But can I afford to spend time pruning it. I have so many things to juggle. My life has become monotonous, sch, tuition, exercise, TV, sleep. NO time for recreation at all. I always push myself by saying suffer now, enjoy later, enjoy now suffer later.. But whats the use of enjoying alone. Sigh.
Maybe I should really change cg. Chuan shen n Eugene treats me so well. at least I feel that I am recognised for my presence. In my cg, I made my fridays free, for what.. then they change to sat.. Isn it the same as my tuition kids? Cant stick to a schedule. I really dun like it.
Think I should be sleeping early, tmr still have so many things to do. Watching a movie with the current sec 5s.. have to finalise my podcast, and read miss ng's notes..
Whats the point of being a withdrawn Good student in miss ng's eyes.. God, I really need to break out of my shell. I must dare to speak.
I just got this feeling I am the most caring teacher, but the school doesnt recognise that, n forfeited the prize money coz i am in NIE now.. well, thats just my conjecture. But am I nice only for recognition?
I feel quite sad that Eugene cheaw is still angry with me. Well maybe its a lesson for me not to be so kpoh in ppl's lives. There is a fine line between caring and kpoh.
Going to sleep soon.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Crossroads
My 3rd blog in my life, hopefully it sounds more optimistic than the first 2. I am at the crossroads of my life. Should I appeal to teach in CTSS, should I return to PSS, or should I just let God decide.
Sigh. The workload in NIE is starting to get ridiculous. 2 Test, 2 essays due this month alone. N its my birthday & CNY this month.
Sometimes I should learn how to let go, my students arent the same as they used to be. My sec 5s are all going to venture out into their new instituitions, n I cant be emo that I am not teaching at PSS anymore. Life has to move on. NIE is really nothing compared to the times spent in the classroom. The fun I reminisce, the torture I went through trying to get the P classes to shut up. Life seems more monotonous now.
Eugene is still ignoring me. Well, do I always have problems mixing with Eugene's my life. First is my ex-tuition kid, gave him birthday present, then he ignored me. Now this Eugene. not only Eugene, Jonathan's also, somehow now i seem to shudder knowing another Jonathan, coz all those in my lives were ungrateful & somehow made use of me one way or another.
Another crossroad in my life is cg, should i change cg. It seems that people dun even give a hoot about me in cg. Why is it I can clique with my students & not cg ppl? Should I change to Eugene's cg..lol.. he is the only eugene that seems fine.
What I do not like is ppl in cg living in delusion, they say the cg is growing, ya right. U dun grow when u transfer ppl over.. that is not called growing, that is called stealing..Seems quite ironic that now, no one wants to reach out to my kids anymore, its quite tiring if i have to be their play mate every week. Now it seems I made the right decision to let chuan shen join another cg, seeing how much he has grown really brightens up my day also.
Maybe I should just concentrate on being a good teacher, to my current tuition kids, n also be a good student teacher at nie. If they dun want to reach out, so be it. n I really think I will change cg after my birthday, should at least get a birthday gift first, after giving so much cg fund. lol..
Well last year, 2 of my students did so well, HS appeared on newspaper, andy was top in the whole level. Jonathan was a let down again, maybe next time i will not teach anymore jonathans.
Time to head back to studying..zzz.life is quite boring without L4D2..
Sigh. The workload in NIE is starting to get ridiculous. 2 Test, 2 essays due this month alone. N its my birthday & CNY this month.
Sometimes I should learn how to let go, my students arent the same as they used to be. My sec 5s are all going to venture out into their new instituitions, n I cant be emo that I am not teaching at PSS anymore. Life has to move on. NIE is really nothing compared to the times spent in the classroom. The fun I reminisce, the torture I went through trying to get the P classes to shut up. Life seems more monotonous now.
Eugene is still ignoring me. Well, do I always have problems mixing with Eugene's my life. First is my ex-tuition kid, gave him birthday present, then he ignored me. Now this Eugene. not only Eugene, Jonathan's also, somehow now i seem to shudder knowing another Jonathan, coz all those in my lives were ungrateful & somehow made use of me one way or another.
Another crossroad in my life is cg, should i change cg. It seems that people dun even give a hoot about me in cg. Why is it I can clique with my students & not cg ppl? Should I change to Eugene's cg..lol.. he is the only eugene that seems fine.
What I do not like is ppl in cg living in delusion, they say the cg is growing, ya right. U dun grow when u transfer ppl over.. that is not called growing, that is called stealing..Seems quite ironic that now, no one wants to reach out to my kids anymore, its quite tiring if i have to be their play mate every week. Now it seems I made the right decision to let chuan shen join another cg, seeing how much he has grown really brightens up my day also.
Maybe I should just concentrate on being a good teacher, to my current tuition kids, n also be a good student teacher at nie. If they dun want to reach out, so be it. n I really think I will change cg after my birthday, should at least get a birthday gift first, after giving so much cg fund. lol..
Well last year, 2 of my students did so well, HS appeared on newspaper, andy was top in the whole level. Jonathan was a let down again, maybe next time i will not teach anymore jonathans.
Time to head back to studying..zzz.life is quite boring without L4D2..
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