Drained

Been a long while since I have last blogged. Feeling quite drained and down. Maybe mom is right, church is a scam. Come to think of it. I have given more than $10k to church since I have joined. The reason why I am feeling hurt, is due to the Suntec project. Is it really arise n build? Isnt it just a big rental project? When we get bigger, we change to another venue to rent? Whats with all the 300M. how much do u need to renovate? HOw many lots of Suntec REIT are they buying. I participated in the arise n build, for a literal sense, to build a new church. Not to go about renting another place. And we do not even OWN the 5th n 6th level, it is still renting for goodness sake.

But well, another reason is that I am so sick of W408, if that is my cg in the first place. No one gives a hoot whether am I there or not. even if i join them for fellowship. 4 years has passed, everytime I bring friends there, do they bother to reach out? NO. I dare say out of these 4 years, I have brought the most people, but no one bothers to reach out to them. Should I hunt for a new cg, or should I follow Jon, Asaph, Adrian and stop going to cg altogether.

Even my social life is affected. Is it because I am too consumed with my work? I help so many ppl each week through my tuitions. I bless people, but I myself do not feel fulfilled after all that. I can say I do not have much friends. Maybe its because I am so sick of ppl standing me off, or even being late for appointments, that I give up socialisng altogether.

I must say I have a liking towards Bengli, but I am still so principled. I cant stand people that are late. Do I really have enough love to accomodate all her lateness? Am I still a baby Christian.
I really miss the times when I am in army, going out with Desmond, or even Cindy in sec sch, Yuqing in JC. I really dont have much friends man. Even my students stopped asking me to go out with them.

Practicum is coming, have I been so drained in NIE, that I do not look forward to teaching anymore. or is it I do not look forward to teaching English. It is really hard to grapple with all this emotional fluctuations. The satisfaction of students saying thank you, is only instantaneous, now have to go through the motions of teaching. Somehow, I feel that I teach because I have to, not because I want to. Because teaching is my gift. But teachers are not paid alot to be honest. If I were a money grubber, I would not become a teacher. Travis is doing so well, studying in poly and earning 1k plus a month, just through sales. He is so filial, want to earn money so that he can give his parents a good life. I was quite shocked when he shared his family predicament with me. Why is it I can click with much younger people, must be at least 5 years younger than I am. Seems that all those ppl that I can impact fall within that category.

Now I feel that the fictitious person I wrote about in Ed psych 1 seemed to be a direct reflection of who I am. I really do not want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. God, please give me new direction in life. Find a new cg, get attached, impact more youths, and lastly, Inspiring English teacher and President Award Teacher in the next 10 years.

Come on. All things are possible. Dont give up now.